This is a post that I wrote a few weeks ago but couldn't publish as the nominations (we knew we were a possible Finalist for Audience Choice Award) for the 1st Annual Streamy Awards weren't public.  It meant a lot when I wrote it, though, so wanted to share during this hectic week.  Thanks for everyone's support of me and 'After Judgment'- it means so much:

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Permit me a moment of your time to indulge in a quick but poignant what if.  Do you let yourself go to that pesky place and ask yourself the what ifs? Mine is coming from the release of "Watchmen", and the notion that I could possible watch my webseries win a coveted Streamy Award. Huh? Sorry back track. "Watchmen" opens this Friday. This is a movie that could be one of the most prolific films of 2009 or even the decade. Don’t forget that Zach Snyder is the 'visionary directory of 300' and that these are graphic novels that have already left a lasting mark on pop culture by creator/writer Alan Moore and his dystopic view of an alternate society.

So what’s my 'what if'? Well I was up for a role in the film. It wasn’t huge but it was a big scene with a few pages of dialogue with the veritable Billy Crudup (as Dr. Manhattan). I auditioned on tape along with a few hundred other actresses in Vancouver and then found out a few weeks later that I had a callback and would be auditioning for Zach Snyder himself; he apparently ‘liked my look’. Now I had seen ‘300’ already, knew of the Watchmen series and was cognisant of what a huge deal this movie was. The callback was also at the tail end of a three month stint in Vancouver where I had yet to book a job. I went to the callback, had a magical experience in the cavernous sound stage, where I met and read (and was re-directed numerous times) by Zach and his producing partner wife Deborah and walked out of there truly believing I had booked the part. There were three other women there besides myself- that was it. But it didn’t happen- after a phone call to my agent, I was simply told ‘that I wasn’t in the mix anymore’.

What if I had booked that role? My agent in Vancouver most certainly wouldn’t have dropped me, and consequently neither would my fancy LA manager. I probably would have stayed in Vancouver longer or kept popping up for weekly stints, inevitably wrecking havoc on my personal life. And I honestly don’t know if I would have shot "After Judgment". I really don’t know. I was so desperate to prove myself as an actor that that one significant booking might have derailed my growing focus towards writing and producing, and I would be still trapped on the hamster wheel that is auditioning. Zach and Deborah’s one little decision, a minuscule blip on their radar, had massive, massive ramifications on my life. I feel like I’m watching Michael Caine in "Mr. Destiny" show John Belushi how not hitting the home run in high school changed the entire course of his life.

Am I crazy to have these thoughts? Maybe booking the role wouldn’t have made that much of an impact on my life, but for dramatic story sense, I’d like to think it would have. I think it’s also ironic that the foundation of the Watchman story line is an alternate reality where Richard Nixon stayed in office and won the Vietnam war- there’s a 'what if' for you. Where would I be today if I had booked it? Would all my acting dreams have been answered? Would I feel that I had achieved a certain level of success because I was part of Warner Bros. tent pole film? What about the little things? Would I have still started blogging? Would I have gotten back into acting class and found a little gem of a play that I hope to produce, not to mention the laundry list of film/tv project ideas that I have on the go. Or would Zach Snyder have taken an interest in my tv series idea, whilst I bonded with him on set, so I would have had the best of both worlds? What if, what if, what if? STOP.

I sit in my house, in front of my laptop with piles of paperwork and post it notes around me, a year and a half after learning that ‘I wasn’t in the mix anymore’. I look at the possibility of seeing "After Judgment" exposed to the mainstream media because we’re potentially nominated for a Streamy Award and it looks like it will be a huge event. I look at the possibility of finding sponsorship for Season 2 and a whole world of opportunities that have opened up because I stomped full-force into web producing. I look at these words I have just written and force out a cleansing breath heavy with painful 'what ifs'- it is time to banish them- because they are pointless what ifs. Because in this place where I sit now, there is only the what is.  

And what will be.